


Introspection

by Monobear (orphan_account)



Series: Frisk's Guide To Romance: Puns, songs, and determined kisses [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 22:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5107211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Monobear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bit of a look into Sans' thoughts concerning his new relationship with Frisk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introspection

I never sleep at night. In the daytime, I fall asleep at random, sure, but at night, I've never been able to sleep. There are loads of reasons as to why that's the case, but it comes down to one single stupid thing: fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of the future, I'm just...afraid. And I hate myself for being this way, I hate being so depressing, and meek, and weak, but I can't help it. Whenever I try to sleep at night, that's when the memories rush back.

I could've killed her when I first met her. I didn't. I promised Toriel, after all, that I wouldn't hurt her, and looking at her then, I didn't want to. She was around my age, maybe a bit younger, and she was alone. Not in spirit, no, but in reality...she was alone. I never suspect her then. I even want to protect her, until I shake her hand. Sometimes there's dust on it. Sometimes there's not. I always hope that there won't be, but that's not always the case. I know the rest of the story.

If she has dust on her hands, Papyrus will die a good 90% of the time. I always forget before that, and I'm always too late to save him and stop her. Sometimes I imagine that I'll be able to stop her early, remind her who she really is, please, Frisk, please don't. I don't want to hurt you. Even after she kills Papyrus, I don't...I don't want to kill her. If I kill her, that makes me just as bad as her. But then I have to, or I'll die, too. It always ends up being too late for Papyrus, Undyne, Toriel...but I could at least stop her from killing Asgore. Give her one last chance to remember. Sometimes she does. Sometimes she starts crying then and there and she lets me kill her, she starts it all over again. Sometimes she doesn't. I still have nightmares about that, trying to do everything I can to stop her - it's not her, I can tell it's not her, but she can't control herself, and the brief seconds she sees what she's doing, she's scared. She wants me to win, wants to stop. I don't want to win. I don't want either of us to win.

If she's clean, everything...everything is okay. I always end up following after her just to make sure she doesn't get hurt this time, and I always end up noticing things about her, the way she's far too kind than anyone - human or monster - could possibly be even after they hurt her, the times she laughs at my jokes no matter how stupid they are, the way she smiles at me and it feels like the world just stops and I never actually say anything. When in the other time, we'd fight, I outright tell her that I love her, and I don't think she fully grasps it, but I always made a resolve that if this was the way life was going to be, I'd eventually explain myself. I never expected it to last this long in this time, but somehow it has, and...

Sometimes I can't help but laugh at the bitter irony that I could either hate or love this girl, all the same. But more often than not, I can't help it. I sometimes can't imagine anyone could, she's beautiful, she's too nice for her own good but she still can damn well put anyone in their place if she really needs to, she's caring, she's funnier than I am, she's...it's inevitable, really. I still am afraid that one day that thing, that thing that caused her to kill will come back, and I don't...

I don't want to lose her.

I really can't even believe she's mine to even lose. I'm...I'm not exactly class-A boyfriend material. I try too hard, I tease her all the time, I get....I get jealous a lot. Out here, where all the humans are, there are a lot more normal guys than me. A lot that are better off. Smarter. Cooler. Not a complete trainwreck mentally. And that's not to mention the fact that we always get stares, and glares, and I glare right back, but there's far too many for it to be much of a point. It's a constant barrage of _'A human and a monster? That poor girl, he must be making her stay with him...'_ , _'How disgusting, two freaks - a freak who is into monsters, and a monster. Gross.'_ , and my personal favorite _'It needs to leave her alone.'_ It. I don't even qualify as a him, I'm an 'it'. I don't...I don't exactly blame them, because I always look at Frisk and wonder why she's not with...with someone normal, and if she talks to some...normal guy, I instantly feel like joining in and pointedly remarking how I'm her boyfriend and it's very nice to meet you with the undertext of 'flirting with her would not be a good idea.' I know she'd never do it, but I...I still get paranoid.

Even if I did that, she wouldn't notice/care. She'd just smile and say "Oh, yeah, this is my...pfffhehe.... bonefriend" and start giggling. (Her laugh is really cute too.)

I don't have much to give her. I have to use magic to even kiss her, even if it's not much (and yeah, it's worth it, especially if she doesn't expect it and she just smiles and lets me hold her for a while). And I can't imagine she'd find me attractive in any sense, because even on monster standards I'm a 7/10 at best, and on human standards, a 4/10 (if even that), not like how I find her, not like how she can pretty much have me doing anything she wants, no matter how tired I am, with even a kiss on the cheek and a smile. I'd gladly work until I collapsed from exhaustion just to make her happy, though. Even beyond that. I've even thought about trying to get a job just to...just to take her out to nice places sometimes, even if she doesn't expect it from a guy like me. I don't do enough for her and she's still happy even when she lies her head on my shoulder and watches me play videogames.

I don't deserve her and she deserves far better than me, but...even when she didn't notice I was there, and Alphys asked her why she liked me so much, she said "He's nice. And handsome. And genuine, and he makes me laugh. He's kept me safe since he met me, and I...I always do feel safe and warm and happy around him." I'm none of those things, and she still says it. And the kicker? The last thing she said was "...I don't want this to change at all. I'm...I'm still kinda young, I guess, but...um, Alphys? Is this what being in love feels like?...You know because of Undyne, so that's why I'm asking you."

...I didn't even know it was possible for you to grin so hard it feels like your head is going to pop off and roll away, but I'm really surprised that that exact thing didn't happen, because it really felt like it would.

I think I'm in love with her, too. More than anything.

I just hope it stays this way, because I never want to lose her, never again.


End file.
